SMOOTH SCHOOL

The Fashion Minimum
The Fashion Police
The Grubbers

10 STEPS TO BECOMING A MODERN DAY HIPPIE

STEP 1: PROFOUND DISILLUSIONMENT

Become suitably disiluisioned with the rat race and modern commericalism, superficialisim, rascism or any other convenient -ism you can come up with. Just be sure you become publicly and convincingly indignant, then quit your high profile job that relies on the unjust system for your big paycheck, pack your bags and go follow your destiny...

STEP 2: CHOOSE LOCATION

Choose suitable locale for newfound hippiness. A monastary in Tibet, a meditation retreat in India, a village on a lake in Central America, a desert somewhere.... these are all tried and trusted options, you don´t want to be so boring as to want to go hang out somewhere close to home, as the other hippies you encounter might just not have as interesting a hippy conversion as you. You also want to go target a place that will be able to suit your newfound hippy lifestyle, which equals no income- low expenses....

STEP 3: CHOOSE ACTIVITY

Now, hippiness might imply that you spend all day with your other hippy mates smoking pot, but even those hippies that indulge in this time-trusted activity usually take some time out from their drug-related indulgences to do that which pays for the pot... unfortunately, we still do live ina material world. Your thing might be do buy a piece of land and start growing the pot... refer point 2 for taking some care on where you plan to do this... otherwise, you might elect to become a street vendor of beads, necklaces, chakra stones, hippy pants or manbags... and if this just strays too close to the cruel commercial world which you have just escaped, consider becoming a masseuse, reiki master, tarot-palm-numerelogy reader, or just trying to be a beggar for a while. Whichever way you go, be sure to properly formulate and express the profound universal purpose to your chosen activity to all eager learning souls who wish to understand your zenful peace and happiness.

STEP 4: CHOOSE A HIPPY NAME

You can´t very well expect people to believe you are a bona fide energy healer if you introduce yourself as Johannes van Niekerk. Therefore, you need to put some serious thought and energy into selecting a properly inspiring hippy name... in the absence of a documented process for this, here is a semi-practical way of finding your hippy name
a. Find your porn star name first... that is, your first pet´s name coupled with your mother´s maiden name.
b. Apply synynoms, word association or latent native meaning in your tongue to both words, and a number of options will reveal themselves.
c. Meditate some on both options, if necessary smoke some weed or string some beads to free your mind, and the answer will reveal itself in a blaze of glory (unless you smoke too much weed, in which case you might have to start again...)

STEP 5: GET THE HIPPY GEAR

Yeah, you probably got to the desert oasis with your Prada shades and your Gucci handbag, but trust me, that which will not get stolen in due course will just not fit after a while with your newfound cosmic energy. Buy stuff off local hippy street vendors, get some loose fitting colourful pants that will work good with yoga, sandals work (you´ll have to lose the sneakers, unless you hide them really well and only use them for covert jogs... hippies DON´T jog). Oh, and hippy shirts are loose fitting and long sleeved... gotta lose that MAAK-MY-STERK-LYK t-shirt son, fortunately hippy babes are less about your muscles than about your soul...

STEP 6: TARGET SUITABLE HIPPY BABE

YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE!

CHUCK SPEAKS!

CHUCK SPEAKS! THE PRACTICAL HOW-TO-GUIDE FOR YOUNG SOUTH AFRICAN MEN...

HOW TO...

1. Score more often
2. Down a beer
3. Be the last man standing
4. Be a metrosexual
5. Announce to your folks that you´re gay
6. Announce to your folks that your girlfriend is a different colour
7. Buy a property
8. Buy a car
9. Sell a car
10. Get rich Part 1: Born Rich
11. Get rich Part 2: Education
12. Get rich Part 3: Hard work
13. Arrange a romantic date
14. Get engaged
15. Arrange a bachelors
16. Arrange a wedding
17. Survive the wedding planning
18. Have a baby
19. Smoke a cigar
20. Save money
21. Invest in the stock market
22. Get your first job
23. Get ahead at work
24. Know when it´s time to quit and find another job
25. Deal with BEE
26. Start your own business
27. Get a job overseas from SA
28. Get a job overseas once you´re there
29. Emigrate
30. Survive in London
31. Play for the Springboks

WWCND?

WWCND?

On women...

CHUCK NORRIS DOES NOT SLEEP. HE WAITS…

So if your goal is to score, here is the simple effort of plain mathematics… the guy who puts himself into the best possible position to score, is the guy who

a Outsmarts his opponents
b Outlasts his opponents

OUTSMARTING YOUR OPPONENTS
In the dating game, ie in the arena where most of us play in the college years… being the bar, the club, or someone´s flat party, outsmarting your opponents means that you have to be quicker, wittier and smoother than your mates. You need to study women, understand their needs, learn to read the signals and learn to push their buttons. You need to establish your credentials by surrounding yourself with other good looking women (not girlfriends) or planting advance agents (random mates or ladyfriends who can sing your virtues). A variety of factors come into play, ie sex appeal, looks, your shoes (why this is so important I still don`t know), rep, etc etc… To date the only person who has managed to employ this aproach effectively is Johnny Depp aka Don Juan, the rest of us just kinda stumble onto the right line of bullshit for the occasion. So don`t feel bad if this approach seems daunting. But, in a nutshell, the guy who seems to get lucky every night is the guy who moves quickly, says the right thing, is not too bad looking and has his strategic ducks in a row… ie he know what he is after, be it the limping impala (the ugliest girl in the bar, easy prey) or the main prize (the stunner who will bat him tonight, but he is just laying the foundation, he’ll get her next week…). In other words, the guy who knows what he wants, figures out what he is needs to do to get it, and he`s off. The rest of us waffle about without a clear strategy, the chicks pick up on that, they don’t feel special, you don`t score.

OUTLASTING YOUR OPPONENTS

The Chuck Norris rule. Wait until all your mates are too pissed to have a decent chance at scoring, make sure you are the last man standing and you will have at least one to five odds of spotting some horny drunk female who, with a greatly reduced effort and attention to detail, will be yours. Also good to hunt in packs at this juncture, she will probably have a friend who is concerned about her and you need a wingman to keep her occupied…